My life is like a pop up ad. Annoying, inconsiderate and persuasive. Always needing money. Money, money, money, money,money,money. So many thoughts are going through my head and everyone keeps telling me that I need to not react irrationally but when I calm down no one will listen. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I “should stop acting on emotion”. Ok, I will keep that in mind while I sit here on the side of the road as my car blows a soft white smoke out of it. Maybe if it blows up and I suffer from third degree burns, maybe then someone will fork over enough cash for me to live my life comfortably. I can get sponsored by one of those millionaires who live comfortably and feel “bad” for me and want to help me in every way they can.
Unfortunately, the car didnt blow up. As I laugh it off my roommates wonder how I am staying so calm. My laugh is a stress laugh because I am afraid that if I go off on anyone or cry or scream I will just be shunned and no one will help me. I appreciate my roommates. Without them I wouldnt have been able to get a free tow from 35 miles away back up to my house. It is not them I have a problem with, not one bit. I have a problem with my mother who tells me to keep calm and then continues to scorn me for driving my car down to San Diego; “what did you learn?”. A question all too familiar. “Dont drive your car around when you are having problems with it.”
My hair is falling out. This is what happens when I hoard my feelings. Its a fucking catch-22. If I express my feelings, people (my mother and boyfriend) tell me that I need to calm down and think rationally and not let my emotions take control. If I dont, and I hold everything I want to say to everyone, they tell me not to keep my feelings in. I guess this is part of being a grown-up. Bullshit. Always bullshit your way through life.
I understand. People want to help. Life is a fucking game. im over this game and I dont want to play anymore. Im tired, im poor, im hungry, im thirsty. I know that everyone cares about me. I know that there are people in this world who dont have a single thing and I need to stop being so selfish.