Pop

My life is like a pop up ad. Annoying, inconsiderate and persuasive. Always needing money. Money, money, money, money,money,money. So many thoughts are going through my head and everyone keeps telling me that I need to not react irrationally but when I calm down no one will listen. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I “should stop acting on emotion”. Ok, I will keep that in mind while I sit here on the side of the road as my car blows a soft white smoke out of it. Maybe if it blows up and I suffer from third degree burns, maybe then someone will fork over enough cash for me to live my life comfortably. I can get sponsored by one of those millionaires who live comfortably and feel “bad” for me and want to help me in every way they can.

 

Unfortunately, the car didnt blow up. As I laugh it off my roommates wonder how I am staying so calm. My laugh is a stress laugh because I am afraid that if I go off on anyone or cry or scream I will just be shunned and no one will help me. I appreciate my roommates. Without them I wouldnt have been able to get a free tow from 35 miles away back up to my house. It is not them I have a problem with, not one bit. I have a problem with my mother who tells me to keep calm and then continues to scorn me for driving my car down to San Diego; “what did you learn?”. A question all too familiar. “Dont drive your car around when you are having problems with it.”

My hair is falling out. This is what happens when I hoard my feelings. Its a fucking catch-22. If I express my feelings, people (my mother and boyfriend) tell me that I need to calm down and think rationally and not let my emotions take control. If I dont, and I hold everything I want to say to everyone, they tell me not to keep my feelings in. I guess this is part of being a grown-up. Bullshit. Always bullshit your way through life.

I understand. People want to help. Life is a fucking game. im over this game and I dont want to play anymore. Im tired, im poor, im hungry, im thirsty. I know that everyone cares about me. I know that there are people in this world who dont have a single thing and I need to stop being so selfish.

 

Maybe dreams do come true

As I sit at work and procrastinate on the piles of paperwork to my left and an unbalanced Quick-books sitting open and untouched I remember a video I had watched on a social media site about life conversations. Sometimes you have to have hard conversations to get you through life.

My mother doesn’t scare me.

I am loyal to a fault. Most of what I have done in the past has been for someone else. Rarely for myself. I dedicated 2014 to being selfish. To bettering my life and myself. So far I have remained (mostly) true to the promises I have made myself, deducting the occasional cigarette.

I am not in a salon anymore because, lets face it, you don’t make anything worth the time and effort it takes to build a clientele and quite frankly I cannot be a fake pretentious bitch its not me, baby. Working full-time at 10.50 an hour is also not sufficing and neither is the 20k debt hanging over my head. I have always thrown around the idea of possibly being in the medical field whether it be a nurse or Paramedic however, the jobs for nurses are slim to none and being an EMT doesn’t sound appealing when I hear the horror stories of motorcycle accidents and children getting hit by cars. My wonderful Manfriend (yes, i said it) brought the idea of going back to school in a 9 month program to gain a surgical technician certification. Appealing. Bringing it up to my mother who relies on me fora lot in the family company and considers me her life backbone will be the hardest person to talk to about my plan. I can no longer sit back and watch the gluttony of people walking through the doors stealing sample after sample and then complaining at the price of the candy that is giving me my hourly wage that I bust my ass making forty hours a week. I. Just. Cant. Do. It. Any. Longer.

My dreams of traveling and being a mother are coming back into play. I have met my soulmate. I filtered through my previous posts and realized that there were so many red flags that I could distinctly remember about Jake and all of the other guys on my “list of shame”. Chris has none of these red flags. He is my other half. My other set of legs and arms and my other heart. He challenges me, teases me, understands me.

Whisper, Talk or Yell? (Old post never posted)

There is no method to my madness. I dont truly know what i want in my life. I have major issues.

The last thing I want is to go back to the girlfriend I once was. I had no friends and no life besides him. I can feel myself drifting back to that. Its a comfort thing. He is an amazing man, dont get me wrong.

We were invited to go on a party bus to Downtown San Diego where we would drink on the 45 min ride there and show up and dance the night away in the club. I had a feeling in my stomach that he wouldn’t enjoy it. This is one thing that I admire about him is that he isnt the party type that my ex was. The beginning of the night was fun. We showed up at the club and went inside. He hung around and dance to the “computer music” that was playing and decided that he had to go to the bathroom and that i needed to stay right there with my friends. So I stayed and he never returned. We have an agreement that when we are out and drinking I will not bitch at him for smoking because, well, I chew. So, I figured he went outside to bum a cig off of someone and so I went out to check on him. He was indeed smoking and that didnt bother me. What bothered me was that he wasnt down there dancing with me but I blew it off. We decided to go to the sports bar next door and order a couple drinks and play Jenga. I went back downstairs to dance for a little bit while he stayed upstairs. I returned to find him talking to another girl.


Again, another vulnerable moment where I would rather hide my feelings about the situation. Long story shirt, I stood back and watched while he flirted with this beyond gorgeous Latina woman. Her name was Lola. Of. Course. He got her number whil;e I wasnt there and she played along and told me that they were just talking about me. I wonder if that was before or after she invited him to a baseball game. The next morning he asked me to go into his phone in order to contact his aunt and bail on the brunch we had plans to have with her. I open his phone and see that he had saved the number. Instead of freaking out I tossed the phone at him and went upstairs to take a shower; it was occupied. Going down the stair, raging mad, I went into the room and told him how pissed I was. He continued to apologize profusely but I couldnt help but wonder what the point of apologizing was when that action shouldnt have been done in the first place. I shouldve known how big of a pussy he was, seeing how he wanted a finger up his ass,  number one and number two, how he would cry more than me on my fucking period. I had to get out and it finally happened when he flipped outon me going to Julian with my roommates. Fuck. You. Bro.

Players only love you when theyre playin (old post never completed)

Its like a horrible addiction. Dating. Im trying to fill a void as i sleep with anything that walks or shows me the slightest bit of attention.

You were alone at the bar and I was there with my friends. Drunk as always. Even when Im not drunk i still have the confidence to approach anyone. You were really attractive and about to leave when I offered you to come play pool with us.


 

I am filtering through my old posts that I have never posted, many were because I had been too much in a rush to actually sit and write. Majority of these were because I was too afraid to admit to  myself these instance that made me feel vulnerable. That is one thing I havent been good at; vulnerability.

In this particular case, i felt vulnerable. Now that I have recently (within the last two months) ran into this person at the gym, I am happy that nothing more than sex ever happened. Although he looks like whats-his-face from The Notebook, he would never be able to give me the Nicholas Sparks happy ending that I have always wanted.

He was cocky. Thought he was the best thing that had ever happened to me in bed. Im sorry (not sorry) but going down on me for two minuets is not the best ive ever had and every moan was fake, you’re welcome. My cunt was not a shooting star and your dick was not a planet so please, get with the fucking program and lose the attitude. Being 32, living with your cousin and still single is not something to boast about. You have a big forehead and I was not jealous of the skank you brought to the bar with you.

twenty days in

I am 16 pounds down. My face is slimming down and i feel absolutely amazing.

Alla da hunnies in da gym make it way easier for me to go. I watch them as I do my squats and say to myself “ohhhh uh-uh you cant haaaave dis”

Anyways, I have an entire new outlook on life. I am no longer going to feel bad about myself. I am no longer going to think that I am the problem because, lets face it, its not me…..its you.

My face has cleared up, as well as my pee. Everyone has been so super supportive with my lifestyle change. Before, i wanted to be skinny. Now, I want to be fucking ripped.

My mother asked me what my fitness goal was and i told her that I wanted to be so ripped that I could put my best guy friend in an arm bar and make him cry.

told him the same thing he called me rude. ha.

I have come to the conclusion and belief that I will never find someone who will love me if i do not love myself.

Is anyone out there?!

Am I the only one who wants to make an effort at not drinking as much?

My 23rd bday is right around the corner and…I am fat. I have decided, not as a New Years resolution bit as a gift to myself, that I was going to lose 30 pounds. I am going to Vegas for my bday and I want to look back on pictures and be like, DAMN. In order for me to lose 30 pounds in 3.5 months I must:

1. Drink water
2. Eat greens
3. Workout
4. Eat protein
5. No alcohol………

I am extremely sociable person. I have feeling left out. Naturally, all of my friends in SoCal are the same way. Of course I get two invitations to drink this weekend, well, three if you include meeting someone for the Chargers football playoff game at a bar on Sunday. I am only allowing myself a maximum of two drinks a week. Both consisting of vodka and soda water. So, I am declining my invite for tonight and accepting my invite tomorrow night and Sunday. Now, the challenge is going to be limiting myself to one drink each day.

I know that in the end this will work out for me but the instant gratification is what I crave. In order to convince myself that there is no real instant gratification, I must remind myself of New Year’s Day. I threw up five times because I was so hungover. I must also remind myself that I do not make good decisions while sleeping and this will lead to numerous stories of how
I banged this guy, and that guy only lasted two seconds and how I don’t remember this ones name. So, now that I have talked myself out of it I must go to the gym.

Ps: I just worked 8 hours on my feet -__-

Visiting Home

You would think that on a 7 hour drive back to San Diego from a place you once called “home” your mind would be racing.

Mine however, was not. I think for once in my life my mind was content. I has seen everyone who actually cares about me and my well being this past week. I said “no” to former booty calls and that all on its own was an eye opener. Being able to let people down without feeling an absolute guilt strike over you is the most rejuvenating feeling. This trip was the perfect way to say “goodbye” to the gut wrenching 2013 and “hello” to the next year.

I am happy to say that I dont have any crazy stories to tell from Sacramento. My roommate asked me with excitement in her eye how my trip went.

“it went well. Not really anything to tell. Hung out with some well deserving friends, had fun times and really enjoyed each moment of it.”

Coming home I had found my room and my bathroom to be a disgusting mess. Just like 2013. I dedicated this morning to shaving my legs and my crotch (for myself, not anyone else), DEEP cleaning the bathroom to rid it of the stench of my wanna-be BFF’s yeast infection that she accumulated before I had left, and rearranged my room. I need to look up what it means to put your bed under your window in Feng-shui language….hold on.

(Insert Jeopardy Music)

 

Why is a bed under a window considered bad feng shui?
At nighttime your body needs strong support, as well as protection, in order to do its best with the work of regenerating itself. This is the reason a good solid headboard is highly recommended in feng shui. In addition to a good headboard, you always want to have a solid wall behind your bed. When you sleep under the window, your personal energy tends to get weaker in time, as it has neither proper support, not

protection.

 

I Disagree.

In the revised edition of Feng-shui that I wrote myself, having your bed under a window allows for you to see clearly. Like watching the stars as you fall asleep…or have sex, whatevs. Rearranging my room makes me feel like I have my life together. I feel like I am finally content with being single, being in my family’s shop and helping them run it and finally being at a point financially where I can support myself.

SInce it has been forever since I have posted last, I must inform you that I am no longer doing hair out of Solana Beach. You know that super high end salon I was sooooo excited about working at. Yeah, NO. Too fucking pretentious just like everything else in the God-forsaken city. People who let money rule their life are sad, sad people. I have seen it for myself. No personality or real friends. Thank God I know that my friends arent my friend for my money. Everything I have, I have worked hard for. I believe that I am finally content with the little amount that I have because in all honesty, visiting Sacramento and seeing old friends and coming back to san diego to people who were legitimately happy to see me and talk about my trip can be more than anything else I could ever ask for, and for that, I am rich.